everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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