I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
