hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
