Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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