OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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