i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
