you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
