Got a toothbrush?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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