your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
