I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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