apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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