She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
