Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
