I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
