I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
