Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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