Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
