I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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