We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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