I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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