Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
