so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
