I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
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He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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