my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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