Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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