yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
