Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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