theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
