This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
