apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
