He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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