put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
