Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
