I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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