I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
