In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
