Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
