Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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