Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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