guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
