well I can't set my house on fire every night
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
