We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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