if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
