I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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