dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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