You're so nebulous sometimes
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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