too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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