I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
