eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
