I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
