Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
