you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
