Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
