No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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