God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
