Dual....:-)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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