Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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