the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
