The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
