he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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