And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We're too hungover to prance.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
