i don't like sucking hair
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
