I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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