maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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